Annoyed with myself.

Thursday, March 15, 2018

Well, here we go.
I’m a year older and I wrote „Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to you” for 11th time.
If you don’t know yet - and there’s a huge chance you do not - I used to share  birthday with a person very dear to my heart. Long story.
I’m always a little bit heartbroken in March because of that. To be honest - more and more heartbroken with every year. February was a little foggy for my mind. But when March started it started collapsing very fast.
It’s harder and harder to stay chill at work. Everything inside me screams and runs all over the place. And I just smile. How long can it last?
I started my Traveler’s Notebook. I run a bullet journal in there and it really became my biggest addiction lately. I love cutting things out, sticking them to craft paper, write, practice my handlettering... It’s my new love. I neglected all blogs a little bit, but trust me - I was probably asleep for the most of this time.
How have I been?
My boss left the company (do I have to mention that she was one of my best friends there?), our team broke, I’m in training for some cosmic, crazy position, I’m still lonely - just enjoying every minute spent next to a friend at work. I barely take any photos or write any poems. I spend all my evenings just sleeping.
Although I watched new season of Jessica Jones. In 1,5 day.
Sometimes I think that I would end like her if I lived alone. And in these moments I'm happy I don't.
I'm in an abusive relationship with my sleeping pills. When I don't take them I can't fall asleep at night (like a regular person) and nightmares never leave me alone. When I do, I have night paralysis. Can't pick a better one, the choice is tough.
I eat everything I see around. Or I don't touch food at all.
I have a thing for cigarettes again. But I'm too ignorant to buy a pack. I'm so annoyed with myself!
I wish Sun shines quickly, I hope it will bring some life.

Crisp and cold.

Thursday, February 22, 2018

I've had these photos for a while now. I took them during one of the most inspiring days I've ever had.
I promised to give you something to read this time but I don't have any words for now. I try to settle them in my journal. Maybe soon it will be ready for your eyes to see. In the meantime I will take care about my stress level, which is pretty high recently. It's only temporary, but I need warmth and I'm going to give myself all the time I need.

A Frozen Kingdom

Sunday, February 11, 2018

The only thing I managed to do today was to make myself an instant soup and a cup of tea. I try to soothe my headache with viking melodies - they do it pretty well, but every minute a song stops the ache hits harder.
Today I come to you with some snapshots we took yesterday - during our little family roadtrip. Believe me or not - roadtrips and holidays with my parents are the best. I'm never too old for that. Of course, when I was a teenager, I thought I already am too old for that. How wrong I was then!
It was damn cold yesterday but it only gave me better photos - the first one was taken with my phone (I love this one so much) and the rest was caught in between filming my new short film (check it out HERE).
I hope to come back to you with something longer to read later this week. But now - it's time to watch some good Pride and Prejudice.

Hey February.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Today is about missing people.
I have to admit that this post is inspired by Mike Shinoda’s new song - „Over Again”.
Since Chester’s death I wasn’t able to listen to Linkin Park, but I heard this song by accident. And I don’t regret it.

„Sometimes, sometimes you don’t say goodbye once, you say goodbye over and over again.”

It touched me deeply cause I had no idea I can relate to this so much. I don’t know if it’s a normal thing or it’s just my damaged self, but almost all people I’ve ever lost are still alive and present in my dreams. Always when I don’t take my sleeping pills I can see them, talk to them and look at them as a part of my life. Like I’m back in the past every night when I’m asleep.
And in the morning, when I open my eyes I say goodbye again. And again.
And they are all back in their own lives. Not in mine.
It’s kind of like opening the same wounds every morning. I’m used to it  - I think. But the song made me focus on it a little bit more, as it touched my every nerve, my every cell. It feels like I’m living two diferent lives - the old one at night and the present one during the day.
This weird duality is sucking energy of me. The ghosts are living in my shade and I cannot scare them away. Instead they scare me to the bone. Make me cold and shaky. It's been too many years I live along them. They live along me side by side. They're the dearest to me but I cannot do this anymore. I want to let them go. I tell them to go every day. I'd be lighter alone. Or maybe I'd let someone else in?
I wish I knew what stops them. Are they watching over me?
February is the month of self care.
I’m kind of on the edge. Work is stressful lately. Nothing’s bad, but some global changes are coming. And I’m terryfied that we may lose our jobs. Too soon.
But it’s just me overreacting. We have no, absolutely no power to do anything with it or against it. I just need to wait and do my thing.
I need to write it in here for me to see every day: It’s going to be okay.
It’s the fifth day I feel the urge to harm myself. But I’m so bored with this urge that I keep scrolling through youtube and distracting myself. This is crazy.
I’m going to lock myself away for the weekend. Sleep it through.

Oh 2017, you've been so messy.

Saturday, January 20, 2018

In January they sent me to work in another bookstore. People working there were slightly weird. But I tried to fit in. I always fit in when I have to.
But it was difficult this time for real. Every day I was getting more and more tired. My mind didn't need a lot of time to start failing me again. Endless tiredness, headaches and vulnerability. It really reminded me my sleepless nights, when I was working in a print shop, physically wasted and permanently sad. I didn't sign up for this.

I started to fly away again. Turning myself off. Every time I had any stress I was just not there. When I totally lost control, my doc diagnosed episodes of derealization.
It was another thing I had to be aware of in my everyday life.
Staying focused became impossible. I was doing really decent on the outside. But inside of me there was too much fear, unconfidence and doubt.
I had no reason to feel so but I still did. Overwhelmed.
Spring brought me days full of sleep. I can't really remember any of it, I have no photos of blooming trees I used to take every year.
I dreamed of snow covering me up like a pile of leaves in a cold, January mornings. It didn't happen.
There was July already.
My job became a nightmare. I knew this bomb will explode sooner than later. It did, in a pretty awful way. I got fired. The way it happened broke me, I was over it yet still - not completely. I had some savings, I decided to leave. I traveled for two months, visiting every single one of my favourite polish cities. I tried to forget and get up one day, thinking "I am ready now."
I wasn't. And the money disappeared very quickly.
September arrived too soon. It surprised me, caught me asleep. I had to get a job. A decent one. I applied for the one I have now. I had no expectations. But I got in - and that was the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I realized that there's a place where you will be supported and liked. And wanted.
Cause the previous boss said straight into my face that she didn't want me there from the beginning. Well.
I started in October, now I'm ready to teach others. I like what I do and I just want to hang out with these people.
I met my old crush in there. Found out he's working few floors above me. Never saw him again.
The year was ending, so were my relations with people that used to be my friends. I deleted my facebook profile and created a new one, just to stay informed with the most important things.
I found peace.
And realized that emptiness is not my bubble anymore. It is me now.
I can barely see behind my cloud of loneliness.
I had a conversation with a friend about living alone. He said it’s sad and empty. And then I realized again - I can’t even afford to live alone. But I will, I promise.
I spent Christmas on my own, just sitting a few moments with my family. New Years spent with Edyta saved the year.
Nothing changed. I’m just a year older. I’m just a little bit more bitter, a little colder. But I’m doing great. I’m alive and I truly like my job. It’s all I have.
I start 2018 in a positive way. Will I achieve something more this year?

One thing just came back to my mind...
Last summer I was just out for some milk, I saw a little baby bird dead on the pavement. It looked like he fell out of his nest on the rooftop.
For a few seconds I swear I could only hear the beating of my own heart. I looked up and down few times...
And I turned into a mess so quickly, I became all hysterical.
The only thing I had in my head was the fact that this little, precious creature made such an effort to get out of his shell and yet he still died on a concrete of this little path.
I couldn't calm down, I ran straight home, choking cause I couldn't catch any air. There was only my sister who had really no idea how to help me.
This is what I am now. Calm and quiet or fully hysterical. There's no middle ground.

ps: here's a sneak peak of my book's cover. This is one of my first designs.