Bloom, my love.

When everything wakes up - here I am dying again.
There's no spring without blossoms, let's be honest. Instagram, facebook, youtube, the world is full of blooming flowers so here's my piece.
I still remember when I had no strength to leave home to take photos two years ago - I felt like I was missing a lot. Too much.
I'm so sick of the present, my doctor will hear all about it.

Here, take the poem that was born few days ago.

I feel I'm dying again tonight. 

Not the first or the last time. 

I keep dying so often,

It feels like a cold or a flu. 

Dying but never really dead,

What is even the point of that?

It's like crawling through the thorns to the finish line,

But never really reaching it. 

I don't want to die for good. 

There's so much I have to see. 

It just keeps happening. 

I'm a wounded roe,

Who cannot reach the woods. 

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"Seven devils all around you, seven devils in your house."

I'm quiet lately. I can only say that I went outside with my camera in ages. Enjoy.

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"You're breaking hearts again."

A friend sent me her favorite playlist. Almost 200 songs from our high school times.
It took me 12 years back in time to days I was young, innocent, spontaneous, free and... happy. I can say, I was happy then.
All these songs literally dragged me through all years, one by one, to push me forward and back all over again.
I cried, I laughed and I went through my old diaries - it was an emotional journey for a Thursday afternoon.
I got out of bed an 8:00 p.m. absolutely drained and very sad. But most of all - I could breathe deep. I let all my feelings leave my chest and go away. I needed that so much.
I realized how much clutter I had inside. Do you know this feeling?
(...)
My family asks me if my computer is broken - I play only one song all over again. It’s Remedy by 30 seconds to mars. I don’t know what in it makes me soft inside but I really like the way it feels. Okay, I know what makes me feel like that - but let’s act like I’m an adult and leave this topic.
(...)
I feel that it’s important to mention that I have some auto destructive behaviors again. I’m trying to keep it as low as I can but it’s tougher every day.
Fortunately the weather gives me some sun as a distraction. It feels so great to wear my old, jeans jacket that remembers many, many crazy years. And these years were not mine.
(...)
I’ve seen the new Tomb Rider movie. I wish I haven’t really.

Every time I try to let you go, 

I realize how much of you is still left in me, 

cause I'm losing you for ages 

and it's still too much left. 

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A cure for reality.

Some little snippets from my last weeks. I'm numb. My mind is numb. I sleep whenever I can, wherever I can. It's a cure for reality and a weapon for social life. The habit of making videos is keeping me awake when I'm not working. It's probably because of the weather or I am in a constant "in between". Between places, between feelings and between thoughts.
Still a little sad, still a little chaotic, a little bit in love. Yearning for things too far away from me.
But I'm more focused on myself now. I decided to make ME feel good, beautiful and calm. I cannot be neglected anymore, cause it's the easiest way to autodestruction.
Sounds perfect - let's make it happen.
I missed you, guys.
Have a wonderful Easter!

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Annoyed with myself.

Well, here we go.
I’m a year older and I wrote „Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to you” for 11th time.
If you don’t know yet - and there’s a huge chance you do not - I used to share  birthday with a person very dear to my heart. Long story.
I’m always a little bit heartbroken in March because of that. To be honest - more and more heartbroken with every year. February was a little foggy for my mind. But when March started it started collapsing very fast.
It’s harder and harder to stay chill at work. Everything inside me screams and runs all over the place. And I just smile. How long can it last?
I started my Traveler’s Notebook. I run a bullet journal in there and it really became my biggest addiction lately. I love cutting things out, sticking them to craft paper, write, practice my handlettering... It’s my new love. I neglected all blogs a little bit, but trust me - I was probably asleep for the most of this time.
How have I been?
My boss left the company (do I have to mention that she was one of my best friends there?), our team broke, I’m in training for some cosmic, crazy position, I’m still lonely - just enjoying every minute spent next to a friend at work. I barely take any photos or write any poems. I spend all my evenings just sleeping.
Although I watched new season of Jessica Jones. In 1,5 day.
Sometimes I think that I would end like her if I lived alone. And in these moments I'm happy I don't.
I'm in an abusive relationship with my sleeping pills. When I don't take them I can't fall asleep at night (like a regular person) and nightmares never leave me alone. When I do, I have night paralysis. Can't pick a better one, the choice is tough.
I eat everything I see around. Or I don't touch food at all.
I have a thing for cigarettes again. But I'm too ignorant to buy a pack. I'm so annoyed with myself!
I wish Sun shines quickly, I hope it will bring some life.

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