Friday, December 29, 2017

Necklace of tears.


I look for you in a stranger's eyes,
Passing by on a train in a cold, winter night.
I know you lift up your head when you hear my name,
But it's just someone calling a waitress in this little diner you like so much.

We live next to each other, longing for the lightest touch,
Knowing that my way is not your way and your way is not mine.
I often wonder who's hair did you touch, to whom do you smile.
Do you smile at all?

I do. I do it a lot.
It's the best shield for my broken bones, for my heart squeezed so hard it's barely beating, for my brain boiling of madness after all I've felt.
Do you miss my ice walls when they melt?

Please make me a necklace of tears I shed,
I know you keep them under your bed.
Add there all nights you lost for me,
For no one else ever to see.


My little poem book is very seriously in progress and I couldn't be happier. Today I leave you my next piece, my next little element of the book, hopefully coming out in 2018.
I'm leaving for New Years to see my friend Edyta. We always have the best time. I will try to take some photos and vlog a little.
Stay warm and Happy New Year. See you in my next post, about the whole year and changes it brought to my life.

Mary

Friday, December 22, 2017

The Christmas TAG


Merry Christmas everyone! I still don't feel the Chritsmas spirit yet - this is our tree from last year. But I hope to show you this year's very soon!
I was tagged by my lovely Caitylis to do the Ultimate Christmas Tag. I accept the challange and I really hope you enjoy my answers. :)

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS MOVIE AND WHY?


Love Actually. This is my MUST SEE every single year. Maybe it's not a real Christmas movie but it's my favourite anyway. It's an obligatory point on my Christmas to-do list.

TOP THREE CHRISTMAS SONGS

 

There's only one - All I want for Christmas is you! 

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS TRADITION

 

The main day of Poland's Christmas is December 24th, but here's a little detail that will always be my favourite - we don't start the dinner before a first star appears on the sky. I think it's such a cute thing!

WHAT IS ON YOUR CHRISTMAS BUCKET LIST?

 

- to make a proper Christmas video for my channel
- see the illuminations in the park
- REST a little.

BUDDY THE ELF OR EBENEZER SCROOGE?

 

You will laugh now - I don't have a favourite! I know the stories, but I've never been a fan.

BEST THING ABOUT BEING A PARENT AT CHRISTMAS?

 

I will just skip the question as my dog is my only child, haha.

ONE GIFT YOU ALWAYS ASKED FOR AS A CHILD BUT NEVER RECEIVED?

 

A lightsaber. I'm serious.

DO YOU HAVE CHRISTMAS EVE TRADITIONS?

 

We always spend the Christmas Eve at my grandma's. We have a dinner of 12 dishes, but no meat - it's a polish tradition. Then we have some cakes, coffee, tea, we sing some carols. At the end we open our presents.

WHAT FESTIVE BEVERAGE TICKLES YOUR TINSEL?

 

I don't really drink during christmas, so I can't pick anything.

BEST PRESENT YOU EVER RECEIVED?

 

A softbox, Darth Vader plushie, a mini green house. And a Barbie the rollerskater.

SPROUTS ON CHRISTMAS DAY? YAY OR NAY?

 

We don't have this tradition, haha. But in general sprouts are not my favourite.

WHAT IS YOUR IDEAL CHRISTMAS?

 

SNOW. A lot of fairy lights and a walk around the old town.

How you'd answer these questions? I'm so curious! Feel free to join this TAG and let me know. I'd love to read it! :)
Once again - Merry Christmas! 


Monday, December 11, 2017

The Ultimate Christmas Wishlist.

Christmas is coming really fast! So is the Christmas madness of getting decorations and gifts for our closest ones. I prepared for you two wishlist today - first one - a little bit more affordable and the second one - where I let my imagination lose, a totally crazy, the ultimate wishlist.
Even if you can't buy any of these items (well, I can't haha), I hope they will inspire you to find some amazing alternatives!
I am not a typical girl - all I love is tech, fantasy and superheroes. So if you know someone like me - maybe there's something for you in here?
 1. Star Wars: Battlefront 2. When the first part came out I was so upset that there's no single player campaign! But guess what - NOW THERE IS. And the actual story is so great! The game is still pretty new though, that's why the price is slightly shocking (you wanted a Play Station, girl, you did).
2. FoolProof Brow Powder by Benefit. The medium shade is just a perfect colour. Also I've heard so many amazing things about the product - I'm all hyped. You change your mind when you have your brows done at least once, haha.
3. POP Vinyl figures - a new Jon Snow and Triss Merigold (The Witcher) are very missed in my collection. People divide for the ones who loves these little cuties and the ones who absolutely hate them. Guess which one am I?
4. "Claws and fangs" by Andrzej Sapkowski - I'm pretty sure it says nothing to you. It's just another part of The Witcher series (you know the games, right? They're based on some old books :D) and I'm so impatient to read more about my fav characters and the newest book would be a perfect gift.
5. A cardigan. There's no such thing like "too much cardigans". And this year H&M has a pretty nice selection of them.
6. Some sturdy boots. You can always use such boots. These one I also found in H&M.
7. Dolce & Gabbana - The One. If Emilia Clarke smells like this, I demand cuddles from her every day. What's even better - the male fragrance is represented by Kit Harington himself. So this is basically a Game Of Throne's scent to me.

Okay, now here comes the hyper expensive, the ultimate wishlist. I should probably call it - "What I'd buy if I had a million dolars."

8. iPhone X. It's pretty self explanatory. I played with this phone today a little and the display, processor, colours - a piece of art.
9 &10. Fjällräven Kånken. Mary, but you have one. Indeed, that's why it's not on my real wishlist. I have a laptop version and it's not as... floppy as I'd like a backpack to be. That's why I'd get another one if I was rich. BUT - the laptop version is amazing and you can put so much stuff in there. Highly reccomend.
11&12. Casetify Apple Watch Bands. These two are just examples, but I absolutely adore those saffiano leather watch bands.
13. Classic Doc Martens. My biggest fashion dream. Just because.
14. Nintendo Switch. I've had one portable console in my life - PS Vita. After few months I decided it's useless and I don't want to look at portable consoles again. Yeah, and then Switch appeared. And you know,  I played Legends of Zelda at the gaming convention I was with Edyta back in October. And I fell in love.

So, here are my two wishlists, perfect for a geeky soul like me. You have some other ideas? I'd be even more than glad to hear them!

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Winter IS coming.


It is not only Game of Thrones' most popular quote. It's a fact. I'm always very excited when December begins. Cold mornings and early sunsets inspire me infinitely.
This week I leave you with few shots I took recently. Did you know I'm doing vlogmas again this year? Come and check it out on my channel!
Have a great weekend, my friends. <3

Friday, December 1, 2017

November in pictures.




Caitylis 
So we have December now. My second favourite month of the year. Vlogmas starts on my youtube channel, and here are my snapshots of November. A lot of coffee this month. As it's my second month at my new job and I'm trying to do my best. 
Go and check out other wonderful blogs, taking part in linky project by my lovely Caitylis.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Running away.


What do they think? Are they talking about me? Do they like me? Is there anything I’m doing wrong? Are they happy with me? Are they really nice or they’re just acting? Are they angry with me? What do they talk when I’m not there? Do they think that I’m rude? Am I not awkward? Or am I?
I hear these questions all the time. ALL the time. My head is noisy, crowdy and I really didn’t want to write about this mess again.

I started to have tics. Now I’m not only scratching myself to blood, I tear my hair out, my heart is trying to escape from my chest almost a dozen times a day.
And don’t get me wrong - I know answers for all those questions at the beginning, it’s very simple: people just don’t care. They have other stuff to do.
But I can’t help it. That’s the problem.
I’d really want it to be as easy as „just stop thinking about it”. It makes me feel totally out of control.
And you know me - I love my control as much as I love my gluten and lactose and sugar.
I heard: „you don’t have problems so you make them up”.
It’s not the thing.
As one of my lovely readers noticed under my previous post - when your life goes well the sick part of you is even more visible. And that makes me crazy. It causes an error in my brain. And there’s basically no one to talk to, because I can’t answer the question „what’s wrong? What’s going on?”
When I can’t answer people get mad. And I don’t want to make anyone mad.
That’s why I stay silent...
But writing helps. That’s why I do this. That’s why you read it now.
I keep telling myself that I cannot run away. But I still do that. Remember my panic attack when was invited for a party? I ran away.
Christmas party at my job is just around the corner - I seriously consider running away and not telling anyone.
There are just fears we are fighting with our whole lives. And I’m not sure if we ever stop.
We all have some demons. Would we be complete without them?

Mary

Friday, November 24, 2017

Neurotic.


Everything's fine.
I like my new job, I'm getting better and better.
My photograph will be featured in a magazine.
I decided to publish my poems.
Everything seems so fine.
Although it feels like I'm in the middle of the ocean. Suppressed and drowning, with my lungs full of salty water.
I watch the sunrise every day from a little bridge on my way to work. I watch the sunset, eight hours later, from the same bridge. That's how November is.
First snow, melting just before I can reach it with my fingers. Long list of tv shows waiting to catch up with. Grey's Anatomy theme playing in the background. Do you remember the times it had a theme?
And I'm just lying between my seven pillows, with a cold wind whistling through my window.
I breathe. I'm learning how to feel what's going on. I'm trying to get out of this ocean.
I'm still learning how to swim.

Weekends go by faster than I realize,
Colder than I expected and darker than the streets.
I listen to Holes by Layla on the train and Scars on Broadway on the bus. I play with my amethyst before I fall asleep to feel it's texture and it's edges.
I still scratch my old wounds, my arms, my legs, I keep scratching and scratching, I look like a little disaster.
Everything is so fine, so very fine for me.
And I haven't been so neurotic in ages.

Mary

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

A little book...


I made up my mind.
I finally decided to publish my poems as a little book. I’m not a part of NaNoWriMo this year but all of you writing your novels inspired me to set myself this next goal.
I don’t really know how to do it and who should I talk to - probably I will self - publish (if you’re more experienced, please advice!).
I write in two languages - some poems in polish and some in english. Kind of a material for two books.
The idea makes me so excited! I really hope this is possible and I will make my dream come true.

When I was a young girl I used to write a lot. Mainly some silly fanfictions but it was always my favourite way of expression. I was dreaming about publishing my fantasy novel - I have a dozen of concepts in my drawer I’ve never finished or developed enough.
Now I’m an adult (excuse me?) and I need to take things in my own hands. Nobody will do that for me.
I don’t feel quiite ready to write a whole novel, but the amount of poems I want to show you is HUGE.
A concept of the cover is wandering through my mind for a long time and I can’t wait to see it in reality.
Who's gonna forbid the girl to dream?

Mary

Saturday, November 11, 2017

Six things I wish I'd know...


...before I left my university. Why six things? Because it was the amount I knew for sure. And I wanted to tell you things I am really sure of, nothing made up.
I studied three times. Twice at the University of Gdańsk and once in a private school of photography. Every time was a different experience. Better or worse, the most important is what I've leant. And it's what I come to you with today.

1. It’s really not that important what people think.
During my time at the uni I was called „the youtube girl”. People laughed about my channel so much, oh my. And I don’t even know how they knew! Probably someone just randomly found me. You know, how immature was having a gaming channel at my age! 

2. You’re scared of exams? Still, the real danger awaits you at work. 
I was absolutely teryfied with my exam session. Every single one. And then I suddenly found myself in a place where I just lost a job.
First I thought it’s a heart attack. Then I realized that it’s only my world falling apart - when you are used to be independent and that ends, it feels like you’re choking with dirt.
After having my fourth job now I am sure of one thing - it’s so comforting when you enjoy your job even in 1%. It makes life easier.

3. Have fun. 
I didn’t and now I regret it very much. Being a biology student was a hard way to choose but today I know - I should have done more, experience more, feel more. Even if studying was taking a huge part of my life.
BUT. Common sense is the key. Always.

5. A degree is not your intelligence. 
Of course studying is important, I will never deny that. But be sure you are doing it for yourself and yourself only. If it means a good job opportunity - even better. But if not, focus on learning other skills, various ones, often connected with your passions.
I spent an hour during my job interview talking about Apple market strategies and I don’t even work in Apple, haha. The only thing you need to prove is that you're sharp and openminded. Degree helps, but I know too much cases where it doesn’t.

6. Stay close to your friends from outside the university. 
Of course during your studies you can meet your best friend ever. It's totally possible. But as I experienced - when you leave they suddenly stop being your friends with time. They just disappear from your life with no word said and that hurts. We don't want things to hurt.

Mary

Saturday, November 4, 2017

The thing about me is...


I don't talk much.
In my head there are not many things somebody would really want to listen. You can find there endless essays about me, missing people I don't even talk to or my silly poems, I write when I'm sad. I ask people how are they. With honesty and interest. But I don't do small talk. That's why I seem cold and rude.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.
I can't talk about cooking or doing laundry for hours.. I can't talk about kids I don't have, I can't talk about the boyfriend I've once had.
Sometimes I wish I could.
Mom says it'd make me happier. Would it?
I don't even cook. Every time I'm asked, I tell the truth and then the judgement comes. It falls on me, like the hammer of Thor.
"You're a woman, you should cook."
And you should mind your own business. Cause I didn't even asked for countless stories about your grandma's cat.
I'm still looking for someone who understand when I'm silent.

Would you like me when I’m silent?
My anxiety is really hardcore lately. I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart racing, my hands shaking. I can’t really explain why, honestly - there’s a lot happening in my life now, new job is a total madness. I mean, not in a bad way, in a good way, I’ve just never done something like this. It’s a huge corporation and now I’m a part of it.
As you could see in my previous, impulsive post in here - and THANK YOU SO MUCH for all the support - I keep feeling insecure about my skills and about my ability to exist between this huge amount of people. I try to make everyone like me enough so I can keep my job for longer. I know I can’t do it. And I know it’s not about that.
But I’m still in this wild rush of experiencing new things and I barely handle this.
Thank you for being here. It’s my safe place.

Mary

Thursday, November 2, 2017

Why?




I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
Why am I not enough? How can I be enough?

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

October in pictures.


Inspired by my dear friend Caitylis I decided to come back to my tradition of posting my month in photos. She decided to create an awsome thing called - Linky. You can read all about it on her blog, of course and I highly recommend checking it out! I'm so excited to be a part of it - and you can be also, everyone, feel free to join. :) With no further ado - here are my photos of the month October.
Check out the button below!
Caitylis

Sunday, October 22, 2017

A gift for a dear blogger friend.


I can't really tell when I met Caitlyis for the first time - it's been so long! I just admired her skills in photography, she seemed so kind and creative! We're following each other's blogs for quite some time now, so it was such a pleasure to prepare a gift for her and her baby boy, who's coming into this world very soon.
I had an idea to swap parcels with someone dear to me and she was the very first to take part in this.
It was such a great time spent on preparing a package! I've been wandering through shops, looking for the best pieces to put in the box. It's a really fulfilling process of collecting every single item to make the particular person happy.
Here are some photos I took, while packing everything. Unfortunately I've lost some of the pictures, but I saved the rest. I tried to gather all best, polish brands of sweets and snacks. And of what I've heard from Caitylis herself - she and her boyfriend liked them quite a lot. :)
Go and check her blog out, you will fall in love with it, as I did. <3



Friday, October 20, 2017

The girl in a big world.


Cosy pictures go well with everything. So, I really hope you like them and you don’t mind me actually saying how I feel. 
It’s Friday night and I just finished my first week in a new job.
I’ve never thought that I will end up in a high rise building, between 1400 other people, being just a tiny lego brick in this whole puzzle. 
Yes, I landed in an office. 
That’s why last Sunday I went to park, to take some photos, because I was pretty sure that on this particular Monday morning my heart will stop and my head explodes. 
But hey, I’m a lego brick!
I had to stop being a child with a job that doesn’t even pay my bills. 
I was frightened, but on this very Monday morning I put my feet in a fancy lobby to start a new life again. 
Without any experience, without any diploma, with a crazy storm in my head I’ve made it to this point. 
I know nothing about business, let’s be clear. I know how to play piano and how to mix watercolours. But business, finances? 
I almost fell apart from panic, when the lady offered some coffee. I was biting the paper cup very nervously and a manager was all happy about welcoming us in the company. 
Twenty one people in the room, one by one talking about their experience. It made my hands shake, my legs faint. What do I say? WHAT DO I SAY, when I have nothing to say?
I’m Mary, I’m 27, I know three languages. 
Is it enough? It had to be. Cause I won my place in there only by talking about YouTube algorithms, Apple Event in Steve Jobs Theater and a short story that I speak english since I was three. 
English is the official language in the company cause almost half of the employees is from another countries. 
People are very nice in there. Helpful, caring, kind. My trainer is from Greece, she’s very sweet. 
Just my brain keeps messing with me. I’m spaced out more and more often - that’s an important point to tell to my psychiatrist. It’s gonna get me into troubles one day, I know it. 
My brain keeps shutting down when I try to work, I lose control. I hate losing control. 
I smile. I smile a lot. To everyone. Just to look perfect on my new position. And my head is screaming louder and louder, with every minute, cause I have no moment to get rid of emotions. My relationship with the elevator started very passionately - at first it was the only place I could be alone. And now it’s the only witness of me, bursting in tears from anger that I can’t breathe. 
I’m cool. I’m okay. Just suffocating and unsafe, it makes me unstable. 
I’m still learning how to cope. And I know it will pass and I’ll be fine. But it’s the waiting what’s hard.
This waiting for it to pass. 

Stay warm
Mary