Running away.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

What do they think? Are they talking about me? Do they like me? Is there anything I’m doing wrong? Are they happy with me? Are they really nice or they’re just acting? Are they angry with me? What do they talk when I’m not there? Do they think that I’m rude? Am I not awkward? Or am I?
I hear these questions all the time. ALL the time. My head is noisy, crowdy and I really didn’t want to write about this mess again.

I started to have tics. Now I’m not only scratching myself to blood, I tear my hair out, my heart is trying to escape from my chest almost a dozen times a day.
And don’t get me wrong - I know answers for all those questions at the beginning, it’s very simple: people just don’t care. They have other stuff to do.
But I can’t help it. That’s the problem.
I’d really want it to be as easy as „just stop thinking about it”. It makes me feel totally out of control.
And you know me - I love my control as much as I love my gluten and lactose and sugar.
I heard: „you don’t have problems so you make them up”.
It’s not the thing.
As one of my lovely readers noticed under my previous post - when your life goes well the sick part of you is even more visible. And that makes me crazy. It causes an error in my brain. And there’s basically no one to talk to, because I can’t answer the question „what’s wrong? What’s going on?”
When I can’t answer people get mad. And I don’t want to make anyone mad.
That’s why I stay silent...
But writing helps. That’s why I do this. That’s why you read it now.
I keep telling myself that I cannot run away. But I still do that. Remember my panic attack when was invited for a party? I ran away.
Christmas party at my job is just around the corner - I seriously consider running away and not telling anyone.
There are just fears we are fighting with our whole lives. And I’m not sure if we ever stop.
We all have some demons. Would we be complete without them?



Friday, November 24, 2017

Everything's fine.
I like my new job, I'm getting better and better.
My photograph will be featured in a magazine.
I decided to publish my poems.
Everything seems so fine.
Although it feels like I'm in the middle of the ocean. Suppressed and drowning, with my lungs full of salty water.
I watch the sunrise every day from a little bridge on my way to work. I watch the sunset, eight hours later, from the same bridge. That's how November is.
First snow, melting just before I can reach it with my fingers. Long list of tv shows waiting to catch up with. Grey's Anatomy theme playing in the background. Do you remember the times it had a theme?
And I'm just lying between my seven pillows, with a cold wind whistling through my window.
I breathe. I'm learning how to feel what's going on. I'm trying to get out of this ocean.
I'm still learning how to swim.

Weekends go by faster than I realize,
Colder than I expected and darker than the streets.
I listen to Holes by Layla on the train and Scars on Broadway on the bus. I play with my amethyst before I fall asleep to feel it's texture and it's edges.
I still scratch my old wounds, my arms, my legs, I keep scratching and scratching, I look like a little disaster.
Everything is so fine, so very fine for me.
And I haven't been so neurotic in ages.


A little book...

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

I made up my mind.
I finally decided to publish my poems as a little book. I’m not a part of NaNoWriMo this year but all of you writing your novels inspired me to set myself this next goal.
I don’t really know how to do it and who should I talk to - probably I will self - publish (if you’re more experienced, please advice!).
I write in two languages - some poems in polish and some in english. Kind of a material for two books.
The idea makes me so excited! I really hope this is possible and I will make my dream come true.

When I was a young girl I used to write a lot. Mainly some silly fanfictions but it was always my favourite way of expression. I was dreaming about publishing my fantasy novel - I have a dozen of concepts in my drawer I’ve never finished or developed enough.
Now I’m an adult (excuse me?) and I need to take things in my own hands. Nobody will do that for me.
I don’t feel quiite ready to write a whole novel, but the amount of poems I want to show you is HUGE.
A concept of the cover is wandering through my mind for a long time and I can’t wait to see it in reality.
Who's gonna forbid the girl to dream?


Six things I wish I'd know...

Saturday, November 11, 2017

...before I left my university. Why six things? Because it was the amount I knew for sure. And I wanted to tell you things I am really sure of, nothing made up.
I studied three times. Twice at the University of GdaƄsk and once in a private school of photography. Every time was a different experience. Better or worse, the most important is what I've leant. And it's what I come to you with today.

1. It’s really not that important what people think.
During my time at the uni I was called „the youtube girl”. People laughed about my channel so much, oh my. And I don’t even know how they knew! Probably someone just randomly found me. You know, how immature was having a gaming channel at my age! 

2. You’re scared of exams? Still, the real danger awaits you at work. 
I was absolutely teryfied with my exam session. Every single one. And then I suddenly found myself in a place where I just lost a job.
First I thought it’s a heart attack. Then I realized that it’s only my world falling apart - when you are used to be independent and that ends, it feels like you’re choking with dirt.
After having my fourth job now I am sure of one thing - it’s so comforting when you enjoy your job even in 1%. It makes life easier.

3. Have fun. 
I didn’t and now I regret it very much. Being a biology student was a hard way to choose but today I know - I should have done more, experience more, feel more. Even if studying was taking a huge part of my life.
BUT. Common sense is the key. Always.

5. A degree is not your intelligence. 
Of course studying is important, I will never deny that. But be sure you are doing it for yourself and yourself only. If it means a good job opportunity - even better. But if not, focus on learning other skills, various ones, often connected with your passions.
I spent an hour during my job interview talking about Apple market strategies and I don’t even work in Apple, haha. The only thing you need to prove is that you're sharp and openminded. Degree helps, but I know too much cases where it doesn’t.

6. Stay close to your friends from outside the university. 
Of course during your studies you can meet your best friend ever. It's totally possible. But as I experienced - when you leave they suddenly stop being your friends with time. They just disappear from your life with no word said and that hurts. We don't want things to hurt.


The thing about me is...

Saturday, November 4, 2017

I don't talk much.
In my head there are not many things somebody would really want to listen. You can find there endless essays about me, missing people I don't even talk to or my silly poems, I write when I'm sad. I ask people how are they. With honesty and interest. But I don't do small talk. That's why I seem cold and rude.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.
I can't talk about cooking or doing laundry for hours.. I can't talk about kids I don't have, I can't talk about the boyfriend I've once had.
Sometimes I wish I could.
Mom says it'd make me happier. Would it?
I don't even cook. Every time I'm asked, I tell the truth and then the judgement comes. It falls on me, like the hammer of Thor.
"You're a woman, you should cook."
And you should mind your own business. Cause I didn't even asked for countless stories about your grandma's cat.
I'm still looking for someone who understand when I'm silent.

Would you like me when I’m silent?
My anxiety is really hardcore lately. I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart racing, my hands shaking. I can’t really explain why, honestly - there’s a lot happening in my life now, new job is a total madness. I mean, not in a bad way, in a good way, I’ve just never done something like this. It’s a huge corporation and now I’m a part of it.
As you could see in my previous, impulsive post in here - and THANK YOU SO MUCH for all the support - I keep feeling insecure about my skills and about my ability to exist between this huge amount of people. I try to make everyone like me enough so I can keep my job for longer. I know I can’t do it. And I know it’s not about that.
But I’m still in this wild rush of experiencing new things and I barely handle this.
Thank you for being here. It’s my safe place.



Thursday, November 2, 2017

I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
Why am I not enough? How can I be enough?

October in pictures.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Inspired by my dear friend Caitylis I decided to come back to my tradition of posting my month in photos. She decided to create an awsome thing called - Linky. You can read all about it on her blog, of course and I highly recommend checking it out! I'm so excited to be a part of it - and you can be also, everyone, feel free to join. :) With no further ado - here are my photos of the month October.
Check out the button below!