A little book...

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

I made up my mind.
I finally decided to publish my poems as a little book. I’m not a part of NaNoWriMo this year but all of you writing your novels inspired me to set myself this next goal.
I don’t really know how to do it and who should I talk to - probably I will self - publish (if you’re more experienced, please advice!).
I write in two languages - some poems in polish and some in english. Kind of a material for two books.
The idea makes me so excited! I really hope this is possible and I will make my dream come true.

When I was a young girl I used to write a lot. Mainly some silly fanfictions but it was always my favourite way of expression. I was dreaming about publishing my fantasy novel - I have a dozen of concepts in my drawer I’ve never finished or developed enough.
Now I’m an adult (excuse me?) and I need to take things in my own hands. Nobody will do that for me.
I don’t feel quiite ready to write a whole novel, but the amount of poems I want to show you is HUGE.
A concept of the cover is wandering through my mind for a long time and I can’t wait to see it in reality.
Who's gonna forbid the girl to dream?


Six things I wish I'd know...

Saturday, November 11, 2017

...before I left my university. Why six things? Because it was the amount I knew for sure. And I wanted to tell you things I am really sure of, nothing made up.
I studied three times. Twice at the University of Gdańsk and once in a private school of photography. Every time was a different experience. Better or worse, the most important is what I've leant. And it's what I come to you with today.

1. It’s really not that important what people think.
During my time at the uni I was called „the youtube girl”. People laughed about my channel so much, oh my. And I don’t even know how they knew! Probably someone just randomly found me. You know, how immature was having a gaming channel at my age! 

2. You’re scared of exams? Still, the real danger awaits you at work. 
I was absolutely teryfied with my exam session. Every single one. And then I suddenly found myself in a place where I just lost a job.
First I thought it’s a heart attack. Then I realized that it’s only my world falling apart - when you are used to be independent and that ends, it feels like you’re choking with dirt.
After having my fourth job now I am sure of one thing - it’s so comforting when you enjoy your job even in 1%. It makes life easier.

3. Have fun. 
I didn’t and now I regret it very much. Being a biology student was a hard way to choose but today I know - I should have done more, experience more, feel more. Even if studying was taking a huge part of my life.
BUT. Common sense is the key. Always.

5. A degree is not your intelligence. 
Of course studying is important, I will never deny that. But be sure you are doing it for yourself and yourself only. If it means a good job opportunity - even better. But if not, focus on learning other skills, various ones, often connected with your passions.
I spent an hour during my job interview talking about Apple market strategies and I don’t even work in Apple, haha. The only thing you need to prove is that you're sharp and openminded. Degree helps, but I know too much cases where it doesn’t.

6. Stay close to your friends from outside the university. 
Of course during your studies you can meet your best friend ever. It's totally possible. But as I experienced - when you leave they suddenly stop being your friends with time. They just disappear from your life with no word said and that hurts. We don't want things to hurt.


The thing about me is...

Saturday, November 4, 2017

I don't talk much.
In my head there are not many things somebody would really want to listen. You can find there endless essays about me, missing people I don't even talk to or my silly poems, I write when I'm sad. I ask people how are they. With honesty and interest. But I don't do small talk. That's why I seem cold and rude.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.
I can't talk about cooking or doing laundry for hours.. I can't talk about kids I don't have, I can't talk about the boyfriend I've once had.
Sometimes I wish I could.
Mom says it'd make me happier. Would it?
I don't even cook. Every time I'm asked, I tell the truth and then the judgement comes. It falls on me, like the hammer of Thor.
"You're a woman, you should cook."
And you should mind your own business. Cause I didn't even asked for countless stories about your grandma's cat.
I'm still looking for someone who understand when I'm silent.

Would you like me when I’m silent?
My anxiety is really hardcore lately. I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart racing, my hands shaking. I can’t really explain why, honestly - there’s a lot happening in my life now, new job is a total madness. I mean, not in a bad way, in a good way, I’ve just never done something like this. It’s a huge corporation and now I’m a part of it.
As you could see in my previous, impulsive post in here - and THANK YOU SO MUCH for all the support - I keep feeling insecure about my skills and about my ability to exist between this huge amount of people. I try to make everyone like me enough so I can keep my job for longer. I know I can’t do it. And I know it’s not about that.
But I’m still in this wild rush of experiencing new things and I barely handle this.
Thank you for being here. It’s my safe place.



Thursday, November 2, 2017

I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
Why am I not enough? How can I be enough?

October in pictures.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Inspired by my dear friend Caitylis I decided to come back to my tradition of posting my month in photos. She decided to create an awsome thing called - Linky. You can read all about it on her blog, of course and I highly recommend checking it out! I'm so excited to be a part of it - and you can be also, everyone, feel free to join. :) With no further ado - here are my photos of the month October.
Check out the button below!