Hey February.

Thursday, February 1, 2018


Today is about missing people.
I have to admit that this post is inspired by Mike Shinoda’s new song - „Over Again”.
Since Chester’s death I wasn’t able to listen to Linkin Park, but I heard this song by accident. And I don’t regret it.

„Sometimes, sometimes you don’t say goodbye once, you say goodbye over and over again.”

It touched me deeply cause I had no idea I can relate to this so much. I don’t know if it’s a normal thing or it’s just my damaged self, but almost all people I’ve ever lost are still alive and present in my dreams. Always when I don’t take my sleeping pills I can see them, talk to them and look at them as a part of my life. Like I’m back in the past every night when I’m asleep.
And in the morning, when I open my eyes I say goodbye again. And again.
And they are all back in their own lives. Not in mine.
It’s kind of like opening the same wounds every morning. I’m used to it  - I think. But the song made me focus on it a little bit more, as it touched my every nerve, my every cell. It feels like I’m living two diferent lives - the old one at night and the present one during the day.
This weird duality is sucking energy of me. The ghosts are living in my shade and I cannot scare them away. Instead they scare me to the bone. Make me cold and shaky. It's been too many years I live along them. They live along me side by side. They're the dearest to me but I cannot do this anymore. I want to let them go. I tell them to go every day. I'd be lighter alone. Or maybe I'd let someone else in?
I wish I knew what stops them. Are they watching over me?
***
February is the month of self care.
I’m kind of on the edge. Work is stressful lately. Nothing’s bad, but some global changes are coming. And I’m terryfied that we may lose our jobs. Too soon.
But it’s just me overreacting. We have no, absolutely no power to do anything with it or against it. I just need to wait and do my thing.
I need to write it in here for me to see every day: It’s going to be okay.
It’s the fifth day I feel the urge to harm myself. But I’m so bored with this urge that I keep scrolling through youtube and distracting myself. This is crazy.
I’m going to lock myself away for the weekend. Sleep it through.

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